We’ve all been there before (well, some more than others) : stealthily snaking a leg over [ooh-what-was-his-name?]’s snoring body, to collect your bra, shoes, dignity, and cell phone. Praying that he doesn’t wake, you make those painful steps to the door in a real life, grown up version of Don’t-Wake-Daddy—except he’s not your daddy (despite what he asked you to call him last night), he’s the guy you stuffed between your thighs all night, hoping he might get lucky and find your clit.

But that’s not important. Because, whether or not you made it out in blissful silence, or you exchanged awkward pleasantries about the weather and the whereabouts of your panties, it’s the next part of your journey that really hits hard. (Let me guess, that miniskirt & thigh-high combo looked a whole lot better on top of the bar at 2am than it does to the procession of grannies filtering out of the neighborhood church Sunday at 2pm.)

 The feeling is familiar. Ahhh the great outdoors: the orange sun, the gust of wind, and that knowing accusation (real or imagined) in the eyes of each stranger you pass:

 

The walk of shame.

 

You’ve probably come to realize that the walk of shame has really been gender skewed. Superficially, it’s more obvious when a girl is on a walk of shame. Most guys dress relatively similarly whether going out or staying in; so ladies, take my lead and dress like a walking disco day and night—the permanent morning after—so no one can ever tell.

 But even beyond the superficiality, I wonder why more women take part in the walk of shame.

 

My intention is not to use this article as a means of polarizing the men and women, but I call into question the stratified concepts of male and female sexuality and their respective understandings and assumptions regarding promiscuity.

STDs are gender blind, so why not us? It takes (at least) two people to have sex, so why does only one party leave feeling burned? Why should any party leave feeling burned? Why do women end up with a bad rap while men get high fives?

I don’t want that “emotional woman” bullshit. We are more than capable of the ‘ol fuck and chuck, hump and dump, heave and leave, ejaculate and evacuate, pull out and roll out…sorry, I was on a roll. My point is, sex is an achievable feat for just about anyone. So, why the double standard?

Collage by Beth Hoeckel

Collage by Beth Hoeckel

I could blame it on men—you are not completely innocent in this situation. A girl who bangs is desirable until you remove your dick. Then she’s some soiled skank with no self-respect and daddy issues, or something, right?

 Women are expected to keep the pussy in the pants. Men are wild, uncontrollable libidinal beings; and it becomes our jobs to stave them off for as long as possible in order to appear “ladylike”.

Bro, I have needs.

Collage by Beth Hoeckel

Collage by Beth Hoeckel

I get wet. I want to do it, too. You want women to start fucking unemotionally? Stop making her think she’s a bad person if she doesn’t wait. The longer it takes, the more likely it is that feelings become involved. Don’t put the pussy on a pedestal. Let’s start fucking like equals.

Sure, blaming the male gaze is easy, but it doesn’t get at the root of the problem. Men don’t do the walk of shame: they embrace the swagger. Shame is something you feel. Judgment, disapproval, name-calling…none of it matters unless you let it matter.

 

Women. We call one another sluts, whores, and bitches. We whisper, gossip, and perpetuate this act of shaming. I don’t want to be labeled a skank— I want a high five!

 

I got mine…why should I feel bad? I want to leave that apartment with a shit-eating grin. I want the birds to sing, and I want the clouds to play me a sweet symphony as I amble down the street, bow-legged and proud.

Ladies, we invented the walk of shame by acting ashamed.

Cut the shit. The second we man-up, and [pardon the pun] hit balls to the wall, we can make this walk of shame a glorious stride of pride.


Kgazm is an advocate for the equal opportunity orgasm. She is the persona of a woman who knows what she wants. Her writing specializes in eviscerating the double standard, one article at a time. Follow her on Twitter @kcawlz

 

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