“I thought of that old joke, y'know… this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well, why don't you turn him in?’ The guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, but, I guess we keep goin' through it because most of us... need the eggs."
I am not the easiest person to understand. I often play with fire and ignore the scars it leaves on my body. You can chalk it up to insecurities or daddy issues, but ain’t nobody got time for that (right now). This personality trait makes for interesting romantic relationships. I am attracted to no good, dirty, rotten things, especially when it comes to men. If he isn’t a douche bag then he’s probably emotionally unavailable, whatever the fuck that means. Because of this, being in love for me is like cuddling with a teddy bear covered in asbestos. It’s so darn irresistible, but it chips away at my well-being. So I, unsuccessfully, avoid it at all costs…
All of my relationships start the same. I make sure to explain my issues (read: fear of) with commitment and make it very clear that I am not looking for or wanting anything serious. Once the terms are agreed upon, the wild and crazy sex phase starts. No conversations, just condoms. However, in between orgasms, I find myself getting to know the person.
“What do you mean you don’t like ‘Parks and Recreation’?!”
“And after three years of denial, I came to terms with the fact that I am indeed allergic to avocados.”
The getting acquainted with the person behind the dick phase is when things get complicated for me. The threat of developing feelings is real, folks. How I fight against falling for the other person may, to an outsider, look like what the dating world usually terms “playing games.”
To avoid things getting too serious for my liking, I keep it casual enough. I ignore a text or two; I wait 15 minutes before responding to a message; I say I’m busy because I don’t want to be too available. However, I do want to seem like I give at least one fuck about the person, so I randomly buy him cheesecake or suggest Skype sex when I’ve had a few cups of wine in me.
The goal is not to fall in love. He isn’t Mr. Right. He is Mr. Right Now.
“But the way he sleeps is so cute…”
As much as I try to fight it, I always fail at being casual. I start imagining weekend getaways to Napa and contemplate whether or not I should invite him to dinner when my parents come to town.
Then he doesn’t respond to a few of my texts and starts to grow distant. This could be because he’s an aforementioned douchebag… Or because he’s doing the same thing I did in order to avoid developing feelings…
So I start maniacally over thinking everything. I back off as a defense mechanism, but get annoyed when it seems like he doesn’t care about how distant I’ve been.
I get angry.
Every little thing annoys me.
“Why does he have to snore so fucking loud?!”
The anger phase morphs into the self-sabotage phase, where I usually do or make him do something that’ll put whatever the fuck we are to the test.
Do or Die.
On to the next one.
I usually rationalize what went down by demonizing the other person, but I am slowly realizing the true culprit is my insistence (read: fear) that no matter how things started or are going, I will somehow end up emotionally crippled. I either subconsciously fall for men who are completely wrong for me as a way to ensure that shit ends before the “love” word gets thrown around or my playing games is the catalyst to his game playing, thus damning it all to hell!
Falling in love means trusting the other person with your vulnerability, which is a scary thing. And I’ll be the first one to say I am scared shitless. However, please don’t reduce my honesty to just “plain ol’ crazy.” We all have complex emotions tied to our own set of insecurities when it comes to dating. We just gotta work through it and hope not to get burned in the process.
Written by Raider Jones