Disclaimer: I’m not saying don’t fuck like a porn star. By all means, fuck like a porn star. Tape that shit, get yourself balls deep internet famous. Porn as an industry is a decisive tool for sexual gratification and exploration. Get out there, look up some fucked up shit, rub and tug — finger and flick — do what you need to do —

But quit fucking faking it. I don’t care how loud those bitches are on screen, opening their big eyes and pursing their swollen lips moaning and moaning how fucking big your cock is and how deep it's going. Yeah harder, better, faster, stronger. Shut the fuck up, you’re not Daft Punk and chances are his dick isn’t the magic stick.

Let me take it back a step. Shall I disclaim again, I fucking love sex. Rough, dirty, loud, angry, spiteful, sheet-tearing, bed-breaking extravaganzas. And I’m sure your dick is fine. 

I’ve just got a problem with sex as a commodity (not prostitution, you go girls, get your stacks). Porn has become a situation of theatrical proportions, penis size aside. The exaggerated sexual presentations introduce men and women alike to standards that rarely exist in the real world.

When I was a wee inexperienced pup, I took my cues from these wailing sirens. 

Every thrust was a ravishing feat of extreme sensation — even if he went a little too soft and came a little too fast. And it wasn’t all that good for me, which I might have denied, because the poor man’s ego shouldn’t match his package.

And that’s the problem with it all. It’s all so inorganic. The sexual act is a matter of rich, filthy beauty. But it’s wrapped up all too much in the superficial aesthetic. Porn has mimed the act. It has taught through explicit examples that the female orgasm is supplemental and optional to the act of intercouse, which is concluded by male ejaculation.

And I get that the sloppy blonde you took back from the bar might just be your idea of a cum receptacle. And that’s shitty, unless your sheets are only just another canvas for her to squirt. I’m an advocate for equal opportunity orgasm. But so long as she’s squirming and moaning, you think you’re fucking Fabio with Ron Jeremy’s cock. Porn has created a disparity between the sexual act and feminine pleasure by packaging it as a show.

The idea of faking it is ludicrous. Why the fuck should we give you that satisfaction? Why should we allow you to saunter from the bedroom like a sex god while we have to quietly rub one out while you’re in the shower.

Lady, if you’re faking it, you’re not helping anyone. Not you, not the next bitch to hop on that dick, no one. Not him. He might feel good, but he’s never going to learn. Help a sister out, make him work for it. Allow yourself to be submerged in the act and not so acutely meta about how hot your face might be in the moment.

I mean, we’ve all done missionary. Sometimes cumming ain’t pretty. But the second you sever yourself from appearances, moan when it feels good, and you fucking pick up your hips and do a little work — sex takes your mind balls deep and blows it.

Now I’m not saying that a little theatrics aren’t worth it. I believe embellishment is healthy for both parties and always gets me going and a little bit closer. Being both loud and without inhibitions are incredibly important to divining what takes you over the edge into blissful orgasm. But that’s just it, let yourself go. Get wild, get freaky, get kinky — as long as you’re not motherfucking batshit crazy, I guarantee he’ll like it.

So stop lying back like a blowup doll, mouth in the ‘O’ that introduces so many lines... you’re so good at this... it’s the biggest I’ve ever seen... will it even fit?

Porn is there for you as a suggestion, not a treasure map. Use it, abuse it, use it again, rinse, repeat (please rinse), repeat.

Take pride in your pleasure primarily, get a few fingers down and rub the clit, throw your head back, scream — because lady if you cum, it’s going to do marvelous things for your partner. I swear it’s a dick massage with a happy ending. Ride it out. Do it again. We can do that. Many times. It’s awesome.

I haven’t faked it in forever, and now I don’t have to —

Kgazm is an advocate for the equal opportunity orgasm. She is the persona of a woman who knows what she wants. Her writing specializes in eviscerating the double standard, one article at a time.